SCORECARD

Fitmen floored by the long arm of the law

After a right good shoeing by the rozzers at HQ just 3 weeks earlier, it wouldn’t take Miss Marple to tell that we travelled to (Fuck) Offchurch CC with a mild sense of trepidation. This could be another Midsummer Murder of economy rates but in the Line of Duty, 8 volunteered and another 3 were press ganged into service. F Offchurch is a quiet, pretty little hamlet on the far side of Leamington Spa. Now slap bang next to the HS2 line, very soon to become not so quiet. A tricky journey, especially with rush hour thrown in, a 5.30 start time was incredibly optimistic.

So it was that at 6PM and only 5 in the capacious away changing room, the oppo’ skipper had to conceded that the only right thing to do, was to let us have a bat. Now with 11 of Warwickshire’s finest constables jogging out in their natty blue uniforms, surely the thin blue line would be stretched to breaking point. I wonder where the missing Fitmen were? Up to nefarious activities no doubt, while the cats away etc etc…

Jonesy dabbling in a bit of people trafficking up Kings Heath High Street. Moore only dropping below the speed limit to screech into the car park. Rob Nutt with the simplest of journeys from the Toy Emporium in Leamington, still late? Very suspicious. With 2 Umpires, a scorer and only 2 others available, the batting order was for once easy. Our very own Miami Vice opening pair of Billy Crocket and Tubbs-Tucks with orders of just don’t get out until someone else turns up. Farcical.

Accurate bowling by Imran and Dickson (of Dock Green) and Billy (obvs) not listening to instructions mowing from the off, led to the first of 7 Fitmen falling out caught with the score on 17-1 after 4 overs. Billy 15 with 3 fours, mis-timing on a slow pitch, spooning one up. Our often saviour and winner of matches Sammy Moore had made it from Bromsgrove in record time but was then also back in the (Starsky and) Hutch in record time. Another done by the pitch, mis-timed. Out for 1. Spoon

On debut, our very own Inspector Clouseau in the field, Umar strode forth. 8 balls, 2 boundaries, 10 runs and this time out caught by an absolutely stormer of a catch on the boundary. The wobble was on. Out shuffled our very own Columbo, Tony T…”Just one more thing” before serving up more catching practice for his 5th duck of the season. Soon to be needing a wheelchair if those ankles expand anymore, Ade “Ironside” Martin hobbled out. Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot! How hard is it just to keep the ball on the ground? A couple of singles then a pathetic swipe straight down mid on’s throat. Pathetic. Monty was to fare little better but at least, despite his protestations, managed to still not have a duck to his name before yet again being out caught by the law. Filth

58 for 6 after 11

The only Fitman to play sensibly so far was Mark Tucker. 31 off 27 in context was a good effort. Four 4’s and a maximum where Tucker became TJ Hooker and launched one into the corn field. Ball lost. Good. Together with our very own Lethal weapon, skip for the evening, Jonesy they set about re-building the innings. Jones with one eye on the mid-week batting award kept the ball on the floor for a well worked 24 not out off 31 deliveries. Tucks stupid enough to let one hit his pads when his partner in crime Billy Crocket was umpire, fingered him faster than you can say, “I can’t breathe”.

Joe Little with a Morse code like dot 1, 1, 1 dot ,run a ball 11 not out got us to an under par 124 for 8 off the allotted 20 overs. Timmsy with his own judicial issues left stranded at number 11 telling everyone to “Get on with it”. Cruel

In hindsight, 124 wasn’t just under par. 150 wouldn’t have been enough and possibly 190 still way short. These boys in blue are Hot Fuzz. Their opening pair of Cagney and Lacey smashed anything short, full, wide, fast or slow all over the park. The pitch didn’t look slow, it suddenly looked a Cracker. There were a couple of chances for a catch which were either avoided or dropped. Fit fielding ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous. Highlights of the night were Umar suddenly delivering world class fielding off his own bowling. Billal offering Timmsy support after a shelled catch and Joe Little scattering the stumps so that we at least avoided the ignominy of a 10 wicket defeat.

It was all mercifully over in the 14th over and Operation Foxtrot Oscar could be instigated to the nearby Stag where thirsts were quenched and taste buds tickled by home-made pork scratchings straight from the kitchen (3 pints and scratchings a snip at £25! – thanks TJ Tucker)

Telegram sent to fixture secretary holidaying in Kos:
Hi Simon (STOP)
Gubbed by the Rozzers again (STOP)
They are too good for us (STOP)
Please make next years Fixture (STOP)