SCORECARD

Fit Men XIV (10TH Anniversary Tour Of Hereford)

The Nite Before:
With the annual “cat herding” antics complete the Fit Men tour party cavalcade rolled out from a variety of Birmingham post codes. Leaving behind the Telecom Tower and loved ones waving a variety of handkerchiefs and fists! Minus a last minute limp wristed withdrawl from the “Coiffeur of Montpelier”. Steering wheels where gripped tightly as the Tour Party travelled through a storm of biblical proportions whilst focussing on the Barrels Beer Festival (90 barrels of ale, cider and perry…..and live music) and the safe harbour of the Alexander Guest House. With Barney and lady, Laura residing in the double water bed, the Tour Party safely billeted, hit the beer fez with gusto. With “yoof tour virgins” in toe (Tom, Ryan, Will and Arthur) the “The Tour Liver Co-operative” flexed its capacity on a selection of ales, cider and perry. With quality live music for the taking the “Fit Men Elder” oscillated between bar and mosh pit whilst “daddy dancing” all over the feet of an angry local fellow resplendent in highly polished winklepickers! Horatio (Jim) and Napoleon (Si) seeking respite in the bar soon had their pulses racing when the Wye Valley Brewery’s human version (well mostly) of Dorothy Goodbody sidled up to the two gnarled tour campaigners and pushed her ample cosmetically constructed “rack” within sniffing distance. With Horatio struggling to breathe Napoleon seeing humour in the moment accidentally sprayed Miss Goodbody from his gob with Gwatkins “Orgasmn” Sweet Cider. Spurred on by this oral ejaculation Miss Goodbody went into flirt overdrive, sadly all was lost as Mr Goodbody turned up and promptly declared a fivefor taken today against tomorrows opponents! Gobsmacked the two old boys downed dregs and headed back!

The Morning After:
The Tour Party woke to the smell of “Belinda’s Breakfast” (accompanied with Horatio’s own tour sausages), a cloudless blue sky, and the all too familiar shadow of George Dawes, fresh faced from a nite in a local “spa” hotel. The cricketing venue of Kington proved to be a stunner! With a contrived toss undertaken the oppo fielded with 5 of there’s and 6 of ours (ratio’s changing as the day wore on and the farmers of the team turned up having harvested their crops). The oppo where further bolstered by the arrival of “day tripper” Ceasar (Tony) and “overnighter” Sharif whilst the visitors bagged Butch in the People Carrier resplendent with family. Tour Yoof of Tom and Ryan opened, with Ryan perishing bowled for a blob (12 balls). Enter Butch, though not for long as he wafted into “safe hands” Ceasar (Tony) the latter calculating the sensitivity of the moment cartwheeling and breakdancing on the wicket only when Butch was safely in the pavilion. Enter Horatio at a heady number 4, with left buttock thrust at anything over 14mph he swished his way in and out fairly quickly. Tom was now joined by Captain Turgio and with Guy (4-1-2-0) bowling beautifully in tandem with Sharif (4-1-18-0) for the oppo, Si soon perished “box before”, quickly followed by an out of sorts Tuckerrrrrrr for a blob (8 balls). Tom, during all the quick exits of his batting partners was batting wonderfully, hitting over the top and through the covers, whilst defending resolutely on a tricky deck. Enter George Dawes the voluminous all rounder….puffed bigger than a week old bovine carcass washed down the river Lugg! The master blaster bludgeoned his way to a 30 not out run a ball including 2 straight maximums onto the “uphill gardened roof” of the neighbouring school. His presence grew as egged on by Kington’s only ritalin addict from gully….crowing ”One Shot, he only got one shot”. Sadly amongst this carnage there was a casualty, our very own right handed David Gower (AKA Tom Ceasar) for a wonderfully crafted 52 (98 balls)…..well played Sir! George pushed us onto 138 with TLC from Sharif, Nutt and Strickley.

Tea taken and a fine one too, Brentnall steaming in off 10 paces and Sharif uphill off 2 paces bowled even better than their 1st spell for the oppo! Guy a finely honed 2-16 off seven (aided by well judged catch by Ryan) and Sharif 0-25 off 7. “One Shot” huffed and puffed off 4 paces from the top end giving his customary 150%, finishing with a parsimonious 5-1-9-0, before pulling up with trapped wind and declaring himself un-fit to continue (later seen taking a spectacular one handed catch in “civvies” at long on the wrong side of the boundary). Nutter bowled from the bottom end and picked up a wicket with the help of Frost who took a smart catch having earlier in the over dropped the same player. With Kington “eeking” out runs Napoleon dusted down Strictly Come Tour Trophy 2005 from the top end for his annual bowl and the finely honed bowling machine was soon making in roads into the oppo’s middle order. With a mixture of fine spinning deliveries seamers and the occasional Strictly scream (not to mention barracking from the boundary by the Colonel to Wurzel!!!! ) the Tour Trophy Momentum (6-1-23-3) was starting to turn towards the afore mentioned and with the old one two combo of Tuckerrrr behind the stumps and Butch (6-0-25-2) in tandem taking a couple of wickets with his cunning and guile helped by a power dive from Napoleon taking out 3 yards of prime Kington cricket beige before bagging the catch! A win now seemed a possibility. Unfortunately the end came fairly soon in spite of team heroics as the number 3 (who had scored 1 in his 1st attempt) being the lowest scorer was invited to bat a second time and scored a rapid 15 not out whilst Georges Nemesis demo’ing two shots at the other end scored 19 not out. Ryan came on at the end and delivered 4 balls of reasonable leg spin. This left the tourists to lament on what could have been namely “another 20 runs scored and a couple of crucial catches held!”

With supper in our bellies (thanks to Kington CC, a very hospitable club who made every effort to host us on a weekend when older more established opposition couldn’t) the Fit Men retreated to the more familiar surroundings of The Beer Fez enjoying a good nights supping (if not the music) before retiring to drink Salopian Ale from the Alexander guest houses finest china, into the early hours of the morning in the Party Room etc etc……….

Foot Note:
Congratulations Tom Caesar for winning the Tour Trophy and addressing his fan base with an acceptance speech befitting an oscar!
Big thanks to all Tourists for making it to Hereford, particularly non playing tour yoof Will and Arthur who took to the field of dreams in various lent garments of a creamy white colour to turn out for the oppo’ and us……Thanks also to Nutter 1st for help accounting for beer fez ticket income and 2nd whilst in the entertainment tour bus returning to Brum dealt the worst ever hand of “Are We There Yet Card Game” to Sharif….The M5 is no place to look for a little old lady with a shopping bag crossing the road…………. 2013 here we come!